It’s the heart of summer, and peak wedding season! Recently, a friend reached out to me to ask for advice about how to approach an upcoming best man’s speech. I’m so lucky to have had the privilege of delivering three best man’s speeches over the last ~10 years, so I do have some experience on the topic. I offered my advice, and I hope it helps to ease the natural anxiety felt under the weight of the responsibility.

Below is the basic framework I’ve used for all of my best man speeches. If it seems simple, that’s because it is! But as I’m sure you’ve experienced if you’ve been to a few weddings, best men who deviate too far from a similar structure tend to crash and burn.

First – a few important overarching rules that supersede all else:

1. Brevity is your best friend. Be clear and concise – no more than ~5/6 minutes. It’s a wedding – everyone is attending to eat, drink, and celebrate… not to listen to you talk.
2. Don’t mention anything at any point that is completely exclusive to the groom. Inside jokes and stories will always fall flat. The groom may enjoy it, but the entire room will be silent because no one can relate.
3. Think hard about your transitions. A very important aspect of any type of speech, but particularly important in a best man’s speech, because it promotes a casual confidence. As you finish up each section of the framework, the last thing you say should effortlessly lead you into the next point.
4. Don’t use notes.

Now – the framework:

Ice Breaker: the opening is crucial. Don’t start with an introduction or a round of thanks. You need to capture everyone’s attention from the start, or you’ll never engage them throughout the duration of the speech. An ice breaker should only be a few sentences – a clever joke, insight, observation, or anecdote. There is a fine line between witty and trying too hard, so this part can be tricky. If you’re struggling to craft something that feels right, don’t hesitate to test a few options beforehand on people who won’t be attending the same wedding.

Introduction and Thanks: quickly introduce yourself. DO NOT say “for those who don’t know me, I’m…”. That is lame and makes you sound uncomfortable. Then, thank the bride’s parents for the beautiful wedding, the groom’s parents for hosting the rehearsal, and the entire room for being present (many of which traveled great distances). And of course, thank the bride and groom for the honor of standing beside them on their special day.

Groom Funny Story: the meat of the speech, and the most important – because it’s the most unique and time consuming. Again – see rule #2 –  you can’t tell an obscure inside story or joke where the audience cannot even begin to relate. Obviously, many in the room wouldn’t have been present for whatever story you do decide to reference, but it still has to be something broad enough where each person can imagine the situation vividly as they’re listening. It has to be comical, but it also can’t be something horribly embarrassing. No one (especially the groom) wants to listen to the best man embarrass the groom in front of hundreds of friends and family members. A good analogy is to compare this story to discussing your weaknesses in a job interview. While they are “weaknesses”, you have the ability to spin them into a positive light through a different perspective. Years of friendship should have presented you with a plethora of options to select from – so just spend ample time to brainstorm.

Groom Favorite Quality: no more jokes – time to show your emotional range. Here is where you describe why you’re such good friends with the groom, and what you respect most about him. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a specific story, but rather general sentimental statements about his character (loyal, optimistic, dependable, etc.). The goal is for these traits to then somehow also tie into the groom’s relationship with the bride, as well as their strength as a couple – which makes the point land exponentially better. As a result, you then don’t need to individually speak about the bride’s admirable qualities in succession. Remember: you’re present to honor the groom and YOUR relationship with him. The maid/matron of honor is present to honor the bride, so you technically don’t have to during your short time with the mic. The exception here is in a situation where you also have a very long-term or personal relationship with the bride. In that case, you’ll need to mention her specifically and/or speak to your relationship with her in a similar, yet abbreviated capacity.

Closing and Toast: wrap it up. Ask everyone to raise their glasses. Tell the couple congratulations again and that you wish them a lifetime of health and happiness (or something like that). Then end with a toast – it can be a quote, another anecdote, or just something pleasant and simple.

The end. Hit the bar, enjoy the party, and embrace all the compliments.